Tht‘ Scarlet Ki Black. April 2‘1, Him—page ll

 

" Midnight Mecca:

a cult found

(Sung to the tune oi
“Bicycle Built for tht"t
lien - Benn” . vt‘t»
low the sight oi you
Pioneer Platter sticks in
our guts like glue
We don't want anything
I‘rilh
ist some fries and un
- -r oi chili
"to no are hip. vtc'll
e on tip
‘m- 't no heels likt-
.\rllillt~.

You’re hungry. It's three o'clock
in the morning At this hour all you
can hope for In Grinnell are some
sugary donuts and perhaps a stale
package of “Cheez and Peanut
Butler . ltincs." So, there's an
t-Ilcrtiy tsts ‘lttu search tor a
mode nt transportation \‘our
tlt‘stlnilllon :lnd lhcrt‘ is no
question about accepting tht-
missiunililulcom. Iowa. You're
going to Benny's

Maybe it's your virgin rlln. If so.
you go for the Double P. Ilcading
east out ot Grinnell on iiighway ti,
you pass the cross (‘ountry Motel.
No turning back now

’I‘llls BIZARRE scene takes
placcalmost every mght Frantic
college students [lock to the in'
somninc's pot ol gold

Known to the real world as
“Dickey's Prairie Home ' an
unassuming Skelly station just
outside of Malcom has become the
object ot yet another American
cult. ’ .

v\l Ins .\:\'\' MGIIT you
choose. carloads at slightly askew
college students are pullcd as it by
a magnet to this midnight mecca,
The cult is not limited to a select
few. but nnendmires the rituals of
the cognoscenti as they sing.
smoke. drive. eat. and finally shift
themselves into bliss

They speak their own language,
They have’their own leaders. They
have initiation rites. One wonders
it they aren't thinking oi taking up
dues. Actually. the Benny‘s
phenomenon. however pseudos
religious or philosophical tor you
iltheists. thrives on one factithe
food.

”It GRL'NTS. AS the elite call
them Anyway. they're good. In
trepid sci; reporters, hungry tor a
chance to break into the food
reviewmg racket. tried it out.

on a random Tuesday night, we
made our way through the murky
darkness until the glaring Skelly
Sign filled the sky. We knew we had
arrived. Seated at a booth in the
sleepy truck stop, we admired the
decor. Suddenly. a throng of
tirinnellians piled in. We were
taken aback. although the regulars
hardly seemed to notice the

A BENN

commotion. Little did we realize
that it was only the usual con-
tingent from Read‘Hall. What
would Luella J. think?

THESE HARDY veterans have
enshrined their late night iorays on
it scoreboard-record sheet that
rivals the Guinness brothers}
Every time one nt Benny‘s

delicacies ls devoured by a

member oi this elite, the deed is
dutifully recorded on the score
sheet Also. such teats as the
purchase oi “socks." instances or
insulting the waitress, tankers oi
tar consumed, and sticks smoked
en route are noted. These guys are
serious.

Two hunks of leathersclad flesh
slurp coffee at the counter. but you
pass them by and move into the
main room. Stay clear of the round
table with the small but powerful
sign hovering over it which says.
‘Protessional Drivers Only." The

GLOSSARY

’I'Alt: ('oflee. Served in a tanker tcoffee pot) One orders “tankers of

lar"
Milk Shake.

I’: Pioneer Platter. A giant pork tenderloin with fries. eole

Two succulent Sta [)5 of cooked beef—Benny's best

“Anything

': Squared. A suffix which doubles the quantity oi any

item Only one human has survived the “Double P2”.
STENCII FRIES: French Fries. (also Stenchies)

FRISBE ‘
I’TOMAI E Tomato catsup.

Frisbee‘sized pancakes.

BLOWING BEETS: An unfortuante consequence of a lotrgood time.

Regurgitation.

Stit‘KG' Prophylactics. Also known as “Benny’s Souvenirs.”
t'ttlil‘ I'It'IENT: The world‘s greatest waitress.
SIIRIMI’BOAT DROPPINGS: Fried Shrimp.

Ill-ZNNY'S COW: A coffee creamer.

L‘IIEW AND SCREW: The ultimate sin. Playing without paying.
BASKETBALLS: Rubber Checks. Watch them, they‘re a Benny's no

no.
.SIIIFT= Steer-Tile.Whitheniwthinning; .

booths caress the gaunt, premcal
rear end with a reluctant softness.
A slight give. which. once you‘ve
devoured a platter or two, will be
all too welcome. ‘

YOUR WAITRESS arrives in a
hurry. toting coffee It's hot and
welcome. It also packs a punch.
Teamsters have been known to
make it from here to Denver on a
scant three cups of that famous
“Benny’s Tar." Whenever your
cup shows less than three-quarters
of black juice in it, your waitress
hastily ammends the situation. The
coffee is bottomless, un-
fortunately. as you know only ’too
well, your stomach isn't. But you
don't know that before you’ve
eaten. Every iibre ol your being
screams for satiation.

THE PLASTIC COATED menu
unfolds easily. The Read regulars
are obvious because the waitress
doesn‘t even bother with such for-
malities as the menu. Virgins are
also easy to spot since they don't
have to bother with such for-
malities as ordering. Their

....,r.....r.....rmenwrstakecarenfthat.“.He'll,

have a Double P," Go for it!

The wait isn‘t lengthy. The tar
ilows ireely hut heiore too long,
hunger suhsumcs to shaking. Your
eyes dart around. and then . . .

'I‘IIE WAITR ESSES undoubtedly
work out Ont: can't help but gawk
ill their superhuman strength as
they carry mountains of food to the
ravenous masses. Without spilling
a drop. the pass is made Every
thing is set out just so. and your
colice hasn't even gotten lower
than halt way down,

A brief list of some of the
specialities:

Tltc I’iollcci' Platterr Un-
doubtedly the “piece (le la
resistance" tlf diner dining. The
pork tenderloin dwarts the skimpy
bun. spilling over with golden
brown bread crumbs. Offictally
known as the Double P., this dcmls
swine is the requisite initiation rite
for those visiting Benny's for the
first lime—their virgin run Gets
ting it down isn't so had. ii you've
got time. chping ttdown. wcll , . .
\’ou can't truly appreciate a
Double P. until the morning after.

The Dickie lint-g specially for
those who miss Ron (1 McDonald.
Looking like the tower of Pisa. the
Dickie burger lowers above the
rest of Benny's solid creations. it
does melt in your mouth. Really.
Witll a side of chili. this treat is
guaranteed to spare you at least
the next day's meals

The Iowa Farm Hoyt Breakfast
is served around the clock at
Benny's. but this one seems to be
particularly effective as the sun
rises. Lots oi pancakes, bacon,
eggs, and tar make this one oi our
favorites.

Benny's Boulders. A rib sticking
conglomeralion of sausage and
homemade biscuits. all submerged

in a pool of rapidly coagulating
gravy. A recently discovered itemt
these tasty hits have not yet made
it into Benny’s World Record of
Grunts

The Tar. Rumored to be Chock
lull of speed. after two or three
cups oi this noxious brew. one is
bound to experience the familiar
“Benny‘s Rush." The weak of
stomach may opt for a dose at the
ncnny's Cow Juice from the nine
niprcsent moo-cow creamcrs.
Perched upon the napkin holders,
thesesmiling milk dispensers store
cow squawk

Tlic Rr~trctttl Tire. Although we
couldn't tind anyone who survived
this house special. we can only say
from looking at the pictures that It
truly resembles a re-tread tire.

VFOR TIIE VEGGIE in your
house. Benny's offers a limited but
tasty selection. A veggie associate
oi ours iound the platter-sized
pancakes. with the side of golden
hash browns. to be'a most satiss
tying late night repast. They might
also try homemade vegetable
soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, or
a scoop of one of Benny’s sixteen
flavors of ice Cream.

Until early September, Benny's
lay like a diamond in the rough
amid the lreshly Cut corn stalks of
central lowa. But‘ late one evening
three slightly euphoric men
searched their souls for the answer
to their spiritual and gastronomic
craving. Someone mentioned
Dickey’s Prairie Home, some
truck stop in Malcom, but in trans-
lation the name became Benny's
Nature Cabin. It’s been just
Benny's ever since.

BENNY‘S IS CHEAP. The
ultimate Benny’s meal can be had
for under five dollars. Starting with
the infamous Ploneer Platter, a
bowl of the best Chili this side of the
Pecos. a gargantuan tumbler of
chocolate “sludge." at slice of
their own fruit pie and. of course,
the tar. It you are not sated after
that. then you’ve either got a
hollow leg or tapeworm.

But, don't forget to leave a tip!

 

