The Scarlet it Black. May li, mill—page :l

 

 

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0311 59' act:

Beneﬁts of a miracle drug

by Marilyn Clark

The sky was a pastel blue and the
green of the trees surpassed hues
in countless coloring books. It was
the year 20 A.I:M (After Induction
of Marijuana). Overhanging the
skyline was a pale tog oi none
polluting marijuana. On this
morning, the haze was the ac
emulation of many early risers
smoking vitamin-enriched joints.
Marijuana was a new miracle drug
thatwas capable of captivating the
minds oi thousands. lt promoted
longevity. The patented discovery
was made by a grandmother, with
the aid of her grandson. He was a
midwestern medical school
student named Abbie Hoffman.

Marijuana became the life-
extending. rejuvenating, and in
vigorating miracle drug. This
centenarian society of ageless,
mini-skirted, bearded, bra-less,
and borneagain ﬂower adults were
the people whom the young ad-
mired. «They Wished they could

grow up faster to enjoy the beneﬁts ,

oi marijuana and a prolonged lite.
The craze of the 1960's and 1970's
was the international pastime of
the world.

THE DISCOVERY OF-the non:
aging and rejuvenating qualities of
marijuana occurred in the apart
merit of Mr. Hoffman. It was the
night of the dedication ceremony
tor the new wing of Kent Smte’s
bronzed. partially~burned draft
tickets at the Smithsonian
Museum Mr. Hoffman's grand;
mother was decrepit, senile. and
grossly overweight from too many
illegal potato chips She had
unintentionally ingested some pot
while cooking some spaghetti
sauce for the Red Brigade govern»
ment of Italy. She assumed it was
oregano.

Alter ingestion, elderly Mrs
Hoffman soared from her “ErZ
GetrUp‘i‘ Chair. tossed off her or-
thopedic shoes and polkaedot dress,

and slipped into something more

comiortable. It just happened to be
her granddaughters bikini. Alter
an exhileratlng swim in the first
ﬂoor bathtub, she let free all the
goldfish from the aquarium to
swim on the sea~green carpeting.
She calmed down after practicing
ﬂying on the 35th floor of the
apartment complex. A janitor
found her humming like a 747
engine ready tor take-oil and sent
her back to her apartment.

THE NEXT MORNING. she got
up and carefully looked Into the
mirror to find a youthful face and
body she had not seen in so years.
As usual. she went about her day.
but brought some oi the “oregano"
to her bridge club's afternoon tea.
The dowagers drank tea with the
pot and petit tours. The eliect
produced enthusiastic ideas to play
strip poker and lawn tennis in
eighteenrl‘iour girdles. They had
time for both. The little ladies went
home fit and trim. They all left
their husbands andiijoined the
Shaun Cassidy fan club.

Mr. Hoffman was incredulous
alter hearing about this wonder,
but he later said that. he knew
marijuana was good for you—even
back in the 1960's, He Verified its
potential beneiits by administering
pot to kindergarten classes with
their cookies and milk. They all
became healthy, wealthy
(dealers), and wise. Mr. Hoffman

patented his paraouat-enriched'

marijuana from Mexico. With the
help of a promotional man, Billy
Carter, they sold it to major
companies and down the American
public’s throats

THE PUBLIC REACTION to this
Smokestack of youth was the ex-
pected jubilation. The mad
stampede of grayehaired bulialo
to the stores was reminiscent of the

 

Wild West. The elderly bastions or
society promoted the miracle drug.
Evangelist Henry Kissinger
spread the news to Europe and

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Asia, Henry was now part-owner of
an orange grove on an island
recently pushed out into the Red
Sea. Traveling with his valet,
Richard Nixon, they spread the
Word of the NewlyrHatChed
Christian and pot's benefits. They
both enjoyed this high point in
their lives. Society was definitely
wrapped up in whitepapered gold.

The long-range effects of
marijuana produced business
booms, disasters, and panic in
governmental offices. The stock
market Showed a rise in anything
Mexican or Peruvian, Funeral
directors. tombstone builders, and
cemetery plot sellers protested
against [he decline in deaths, The
Weathermen kidnapped and brain»
washed the daughter of the editor
of Rolling Stone Magaiinc.

THE PRESIDENT OF the U,S,,
the immortal George Burns.
strengthened relationships With
Mexico With the help of Caesar
Chavez. Burns qutckly apologized
for our victory in the Spanish
American War. He also guaran~
teed no border patrol for twenty
five years. Prosperity was enjoyed
by all who had two kilos of pot in
their kitchen and one-way tickets
to Lima in their wallets. The South
Americans became the controllers
oi the most sought after item in
America.

The discovery of marijuana by
Abbie Hoffman's grandmother
made this society tree and happy to
grow old gracefully. Society lived
by the jingle. “Lite begins at $5."
The old people resembled Olgivia
Gorges iossils walking on water,
Khruschev's new commercial
from the Ukranian S S R. cx-
pounded the fact that his mother.
age 183. eats yogurt and smokes
pot everyday

Despite marijuana's hcneiits,
children like little Dick and Jane
Could not understand why Abbie
and his friends in the 60's and 70’s
were thrown in jail and‘ lear-
gassed for smoking marijuana, in
this society. everyone smoked pot
because it promoted longevity in
Spite of its antiquated Surgeon
General's warning Did people in
the Dark Ages of the '60's and 70's
not know what was good [or them"

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COCKTAIL LOUNGE

Elevated at 922% Mai

LUNCH: Mon. thru r‘n.
DINNER: Mon, thru Thur

.4 p.iii. to 11 p.iii,: Fri 5“,:

.4 ”JUL to l2'p.m. . ,

Liberal arts discussion
lacks climax

Room crunch;Leichtling; tornado safety; sexual harass.
merit; South African investment; Mears; Turner resigns;
Skip Day dies; coed bathrooms; campus vandalism; Kramer
wins as messiah: energy; and the perennial alcohol policy: all
these issues were this year at one time or another at the
forefront of campus discussion.

But out of all the topics that found their way to page one
of the 5&3. one stands out: in its importance: the discussion
of liberal arts.

THIS FIRST CAME up early last fall, when the North
Central Association evaluation of Grinnell was discussed. It
promises to continue into the summer and next year.

Some thought discussion on liberal arts ended with the
faculty's rejection of distributional requirements; hopefully
this isn't the case. That proposal was flawed for several
reasons, and the faculty was right in rejecting it.

BUT LIBERAL ARTS at Grinnell are in sad shape. If one
accepts the “traditional” definition of liberal artSthe
definition that Grinnell pushes in the college catalog and
Vade Mecumithen there really is something to worry
about.

It came out in the debate over distributional requiremean
that this sort of education is, for most students, impossible
at Grinnell.

IT SEEMS THAT the science courses for non-majors do
not. give an adequate introduction to those disciplines, and
that intro level science Courses are often too difficult for none
science majors. Not that only the science departments are at
fault: one could argue that some of the humanities and social
science intro courses do not provide a solid introduction to
those disciplines.

If one accepts the definition that liberal arts are merely a
grab bag of whatever a Student wants, then there is nothing
to worry about.

BUT WHY. IF this is the definition the school accepts, are
Students advised and encouraged to get the other kind of
education, an education that; for many is impossible?

This contradiction presents a serious problem that the
faculty must deal with. If faculty members no longer hold
the traditional definition, the catalog should not advise such
a program. If they still agree with that philosophy, the
curriculum should be changed to make that education
possible.

IT SEEMS STRANGE that the same school that.
restricts students' rights to choose coed or single sex
bathrooms, allows so much choice in the more-important area
of education.

If one is to believe the quotes at the end of Vade Mecum,
students should be advised to take a broadbased
educational program. And if the faculty sincerely believes
this, maybe a core curriculum is the only answer.

WHATEVER THE CASE. concluding the discussion on
liberal arts now is unacceptable. The blatant contradiction
that exists must be resolved in one way or the other.

This implies either dropping the suggestion of a
traditional liberal arts education. or making Such an
education possible.

Whichever the faculty wants lif indeed the faculty knows
what it wants] should be enunciated soon. Grinnell's policy
should then quickly be brought into line with that. decision.

 

 

The Scarlet {if Black

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Editors Dan my."
Andrew sehuiiz
sonny Neil

paul Schwartz
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Nonrv DuTcau
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copy editor
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