How many times, upon returning to
school after the summer, do you find
yourself eavesdropping on a conversa-
tion concerning someone‘s amazingly
humanitarian summer employment?
Time after time, you hear about these
people who have taught the elderly
tai-boxing, or who have spent their
summer at refugee camps in Califor
nia, teaching the boat-people short—

hand. This is all well and good, We
need jobs like that to keep people like
that busy, and out of the deadly reach
of reality. I oughta know. I had a real
job this summer. I catered to the
social needs of house pew.

Millions of animals all over the
United States are drowning in
boredom because no one cares enough
to do anything for them, Your local
community College offers summer
courses that teach steel Workers to
disco and librarians to mix drinks, but
no one even thinks about the cat or
dog who is left to chase its tail and fall
asleep in front of the TV. on Saturday
night, watching reruns of “Alice” and
“Hello Larry.“

Well, this summer 1 made a dif-
ference, I worked at a school for
animals that offered the same type oi
summer courses that the colleges do,
only these were scaled to the interests
of pups and birds. Here's a short

' description of the courses offered, so
that you, the reader, may realize what
an interesting and rewarding ﬁeld
educating furry mammals really is.

Easily, the three most popular
courses offered were yoga, disco
dance lessons, and self-defense. Yoga
(both beginner and advanced) was big
with the ladies, who wanted to find an
easy way to keep in shape. The class
was made up of a large group of over-
weight, rniddle-aged housepets who
had noticed their masters’ gazes move
to younger and more shapely pets ,
when out ior walks through the park.

But the class did not appeal to the

over-therhill crowd alone, Yoga also

bill kowalski
Martial arts for hapless hamsters

appealed to gerbils, who seemed to
have more dexterity than most of the
other domesticated vermine in the
class, and therefore seemed to enjoy it
more. There was some trouble with a
pair of dachsunds who had a hard
time with almost all the exercises, but
since they paid the twenty dollar tui-
tion, 1 let them grumble all they
wanted. Everyone has their price.

Disco dance lessons had the largest
enrollment of any of the classes ole
fered, with a group of well over forty
cool, swinging, party animals. It was
the most entertaining of the courses,
and turned out to be a great place for .
friendships and romances to develop.

At times you could even feel the
electricity in the air as a result of the
close, interpersonal relationships be-
ing cultivated during the dances.
Especially in the line dance and the
hump, where the physical contact of
paw around waist, and tail against tail
just seemed to add to the spiritual
feeling of closeness disco dancing
seems to bring out in animals.

Even our field trip to Studio 54 made
the local papers. It didn't matter that
only a dalmatian and a salamander
got to go inside, everyone was just
thrilled to rub forelocks with some of
New York’s finest. ‘

And of course, in these days of in-
creasing crime, the self-defense class
ﬁlled up early. It was taught by a
hamster with a green belt in jujitsu
(benrwa division), and the response to
him as a teacher was excellent.
Everyone learned something in that
class. As a matter of fact, a pet
Cockatoo single-handedly subdued a
mugger after only two weeks in the
course.

The cockatoo was on a business trip
in Philadelphia, and was walking
down the street when he heard what
sounded like someone trying to steal
an old woman’s support hose. The
mugger was down to the heel of the
second stocking when he heard the

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September 7, 1979

woman’s screams of, “Save me! I
have to wear these to church! ”

The bird disarmed the bandit of the
potato peeler he was threatening his
Victim with, and held him in a half»
nelson, until a fullenelson arrived.
However, the Cockatoo was beaten
senseless by the Philadelphia police,
who claimed that he was a non-union
worker encroaching on a union job.
The bird is recovering slowly, and is ,
pressing charges. .

There were other courses offered, as
well. Transcendental Meditation had a
large enrollment, but there were some
problems with the cats in the class
who would tell each other their mail-
tras and purr out loud, disturbing
their classmates.

Lifesaving was also a tough class to
keep organized because every time
you turned your back. the hamsters
were on the high board, doing cannon-
balls. The rabbits wouldn’t open their
eyes under water, the mice wouldn’t
use the paddle boards, and the filter
always got clogged with fur balls“

Even in the current events class,
there were problems. The goldfish ,
(who, it turns out, have an attention
span of about ten seconds), would
keep knocking against the side of the
aquarium, splashing the parrots sit-
ting in front of them. The parrots
would respond by making rude noises.
Not a very sophisticated crowd at all.
We’re hoping next year's use of audio-
vi 3] aides will help alleviate some of
the tudents‘ restlessness.

So, that’s how i spent my summer. 1
know it wasn’t a waste of time. So, the
next time I hear about someone who
helped teach kleptomaniacs how to
square dance, I'll just smile to myself
with t knowledge that because I
carezZa small mammal can Walk the
sire at night without fear,

 

