Robert Greenberg, esq.
Life with a messiah: a tale of co-optatwn

With the removal Uf Bob Mitchell
as editor of the 5&3. the yellow rag
finally got a scoop. That’s right,
the 5&3 outbid the National
Enquirer to get “the real story" on
the personal life of the Messiah, AS
the roommate of the annointed one.
I probably know, not in the biblical
sense. David better than Mary
Magdaline knew Jesus.

The son approached me about
the possibility oi telling the world
what itis like to live with the Son of
God while I was Sitting in the
Forum with my good friend,Johnny
B. The uninformed may know John
better as the student who has been
booking the recent Punk, oops,
sorry John, Reggaeiusion con-
certs.

I ACCEPTED THE task imr
mediately, realizing that ifI did as
good a job as the Boswell of the
first messiah, someday people
would mention St. John and St. Bob
in the same breath. Taking leave of
Mr. B.. I began my search for the
Messiah.

Logically. I first checked out
David’s favorite hangouts. The
weight room. nope, only Frankel.

 

The back room of the Varsity book-
storeiempty. The Cattle Call
Cafeiclosed. Taking one last
chance, I checked out the Negative
Space Gallery. There I found him.
slumped in a morphine stupor.
talking to a yellowing, dngrearcd
picture of John Neiderbach.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE my
eyes, the Messiah, the Redeemer,
the one who sent Melissa Hopp
hopping, was almost incoherent.
After a while. Dave got things
together enough to talk to me about
his state ofaffairs, Before we could
begin, however, David pulled out a
tape recorder and stated that, for
his memoirs, hewould have to tape
everything that transpired bet
ween us,

The first question I asked the
King of Kings concerned the make-
ilp of his cabinet. I had noticed that
Dave had appointed Melissa Hopp
as student coordinator. I asked
David If this was the same iiopp
who was quoted as saying that she
was qualified to be president
because she announced her canr
didacy first. The Messiah replied
that it was the same person. and
then he suddenly shoved a copy of

Questions advertising ethics

To the editor: Havmg recently had
a conversation with a friend who
was berating me for my past in
,volvcment in various advertising
media. I steadfastly held that most
locally oriented publications held
to quite high standards in their
advertising acceptance policy.
Whether by Choice or lack of
temptation few local publications
added lo the many fallacies
promoted by big business, Whether
it be a creation of doubt in every
American's mind as to the white-
ness of their teeth,nr telling women
that they naturally stink and need
such and such a caverrup spray,
local publications don't generally
participate in this big charade.

Recalling several ads that I had
the pleasure of refusing. they
range from “Earn thousands stuff
ing envelopes" schemes to a cheap
abortion clinic, While ethics in
business is increasingly under fire.
i have always felt I have done my
part. Rc'ccntly. I settled a law suit
With an unethical furniture store
that sold me defective mer-
chandise It all boils down to
personal responSlbilitics: Don't
take people. don'thelp other people
get taken. and don‘t get taken
yourscli.

Many people believe at
newspapers say, whether in stories
or ads. is true. A commonly held
notion that ”they couldn‘t print it if
it wasn't true” is sadly in error

Having suffered your pious
editorials and biased articles is one
matter. everyone's tastes are
different. What I think is biased
might very well‘be good objective
reporting. Quite another thing is
your lack of business ethics. The
Bettervision Eye Clinic ad last
week is obviously a crock and
probably illegal at that. For a mere
39,95. their course will enable me to
ihrow away my glasses. Their
Wonderful exercise Will do what
my doctor cannot. and all for only
39,95. plus one dollar for postage.
All I can say is Bull.

The F T.C. and Post Office
cannot keep up with the various
mail order medical frauds that are
in operation From bust developers
to diet pills. the medical Charlatans
promote their way to riches with
the money oi the ignorant, a class
which can least afford being
bilked

l urge you to take a more
responsible. cthical approach in
the future and refuse to publish our
of this nature. John Wci'drii

 

The Prince under my nose.
remarking that Machiavelli said
that he should have cut off
Melissa's head, but since he
Wanted to be a “likeable sort of
saviour." he had only decided to
Coopt ‘her,

AS FATE WOULD have it, Wes
Kennedy entered the Gallery, and
the Messiah introduced Wes as his
new prophet, and more impor-
tantly. a new appointee to the
Committee on Student Life The
incongruity of Wes', the prerlaw
wonder. appointment to C.S.L.
struck me immediately. The
students of Grinnell College
elected David as an alternative to
the “hardcore" type of person that
has held the position of president in
the past.

During his campaign. David had
promised to put an end to the
"political bullshit" that has
plagued the present ad‘-
mmistration. How can David put
an end to political bullshit when he
has appointed two members of the
past administration to important

 

positions? Well, enough of me
being rcllcctive. Now back to our
story, Wes informed David that at

Shirley B C Feste

if you've been keeping up with
the columnists, you know by now
that there is a conservative trend
sweeping this campus. This does.
of. course. seem to be the case if
you're looking at dorm life. Single
sex floors, singlesex bathrooms,
singlesex rooms. you’ve heard it
all. Well, thank God, there is still
off-campus,

When I was a freshman, I too
was accused of contributing to the
conservative trend. Naturally, I
lived in the dorms. l was nervous
about co—ed bathrooms, I read
Cosmopolitan whenever I could get
my hands on it, and i wore penny
loafers and Pendleton Skirts. I
even brought my sewing machine
to school so that I could Whip up a
“superrsimple” outfit in my spare
time. I shaved religiously and used
baby powder after every shower
Fortunately. that is now all in the
past.

I AM NOW proud to Join the
ranks of off-campus.

For those of you who are not into
[he offrcampus cultural scencyou
may be confused by the term “riflr
campus " it isn't very clear~cut.
even to offrcampus folks First of
all. you have your basic off-
campus house or apartment The
residents of these livc offrcampus,
but within the city limits, In fact.
you can live 30 feet across Park
Street and you're constdered oflr
campus.

II()\\’EVEI{. PEOPLE this close
to campus are a little disad-
vantaged in pursuing their on-
campus activities. For one thing.
disco music blaring from the dorm
often drowns out their own
"Grateful Dead." Sccondly, you're
just a little too close to campus to
justify with a clear conscience
eating lunch in the Forum with
other off-Campus types These

 

disadvantages can be overcome by
blaring the “Dead" al higher
decibals than the ”dormies" do

7:00 they were supposed to go out
and play vi‘ith Jimmy, Susie, and
Wally. After genuilecting
profusely, the King of Kings
staggered out of the Gallery,

I SAT DOWN in the same corner
in which I had found David to
collect my thoughts. A great
change had occurred in the
B,J.O.C. (Big Jew On Campus)
since the stunning victory, David
suddenly had become the hardcore
administrator that he had mocked
during the campaign, There is no
doubt that the change was brought
about by his increased morphine
consumption, which caused
delusions of grandeur, These
delusions manifested themselves
in David's continual usage of [he
imperial weed, and more recently.
asking A Richard to bow Io him,

The attitude changed somewhat
at home. He \iould continually
bombard me with such questions
as- “Do you think that two and a
half inches is presidential
enough?" or ”How do you think l'd
look with a crown of thorns?"

um. I TELL you, right then I’d
had enough I said to David.
“Come on. do you really think you

their disco. and bv eating
“Veggie." Veggie s have a
legitimate excuse for not eating in
the Forum. where bagels are
heated on the same grill on which
hamburgers are fried.

The second classification of off-
campus are the “off-off campus”
residents, Offroff campus people
live in cozy little farm houses or
mobile homes outside. of the
Grinnell city limits. of course,
once outside the city limits. you're

 

are the Messiah? And if so, prove
it "

David replied that Jesus had
made the crippled walk and the
blind see. and to prove that he was
the Messiah. he would do the imr
possible. He would make a B&G
employee work.

WE FOUND AN aggregate of
BM} workers hanging out In front
of [he Science building. They were
obviously conducting a cancer
experiment for the science
department. because all they were
doing was smoking cigarcttcs.
and raised his arms, and lo and
behold. they were still standing
around smoking. The Messiah had
failed.

lt is sad to realize that the
Mcsstah had been a llub. He had
turned out no better or worse than
any of the hardcores he had at-
lacked. Maybe there is some hope,
but I doubt it. The last time I saw
the Grinnell Messiah he was flash-
ing a toothy and in
forming l\|s on”... n student
government h wt in Mr him
interested in .uu .1, »,

Also. for next Winter, the off»
campus coordinators are trying to
set up a program whereby all the
offecampus dogs are hitched in
Eskimo sl'ed for a winter'sleigh»
pool. This program is just one
example oi the off-campus
initiative and concern for pressing
problems of today, Dog sleds
conserve on fuel energy. (Those
dogs should do something for their
veggie Alpb besides hang out in
front oi the library and the Fine

in the cornfields. Often“ amusing/Arts building.) Also. the sleigh

people get used to corn stalks
rattling against their windows
when the breeze comes up.
FINALLY. THERE is the type
that are “so-far-off—campus” they
might just as well be living in
Newton, When you're dealing with
“surfer-offrcampus" people, you
must understand we're not
speaking about distance from the
Grinnell campus. only that when
you'rc that far oif, you’re gone.
These people don't eat lunch in the
Forum. in fact. they don't eat
lunch period They inhale their
vitaml .ifyou know what l mean,

The "so far olfrcampus people"

live in lhe some latitude and
longitude but a different altitude

So you're saying to yourself,
“Big deal. why would anyone want
to live off-campus and put up with
landlords. slum conditions, mice.
cockroaches. and transportation
problems" Well now, let's just
stop and considcr that question for
awhile. eptic.

FOR ONE THING. offrculnpus is
usually cheaper than living in the
dorm So you pay a landlord in
stead of the treasurer. In either
case. you have potential problems
withslum conditions, mice. and
cochroaches. As for transportation
problems, off-campus people
Clihel‘ walk or ride their bicycles.
()ffrttffrcampus people have car
pools Sorfarroff-campus people
lly

 

THE HEADQUARTERS

 

EAHRSTYLING FOR MEN 6; WOM N

pool program will keep those dogs
out on the street and but of the
already overcrowded classrooms.
(You try discussing “The Waste
Land" with a dogt

[\s FOR Fool), off-campus
people eat better than “dormies”
without a doubt. [its also cheaper,
Those offrcampus people really
know where to shop [or their
cooking needs. They read “The
Penny Saver" like dormies read
the bathroom wall. Careful
eavesdroppers can frequently hear
offrcampus people discussing what
they should fIX tor dinner tonight.

They may sound like they're
complaining about the cooking and
doing dishes. but in their heart of
hearts they wouldn't have it any
other way /\ hungovcr off-campus
person may be so desperate for
ideas he occasionally copies lilo
(Ionnell's menus. but So \i‘ltal‘?
"'l‘aterrlol Casserole" always
tastcs better when you make it
yoursclt,

\i‘iilCiV YOURE offrcnmpus. you
have to dress duterently than those
"(lol'mles." You just don't make
offrcalnpus If you llash a Calvin
Klein label on your hip, The look
for today‘s smart offrcanipus coed
is army pants, tcc shirts and
discarded suit vests. Smart nicn
ucar army pants. tee shirts and

 

discarded suit vests. Both s
sport K-Murt blilcrliglit Schi
teniites

Providcd there is no “Grateful
Dead" conccrt within a 300 hun»
iii-ed mile radius. all or you dor-
liii ’ will be able to “off-campus
watch" this weekend at lhe
Grinnell Relays They‘ll all be
there. in filll force. doing more
bending and ">hakili’ tlicir groove
things " than your average (form
ie Watch for the glitter and the
faces painled clown white. And

rcmcmbcn muybc you too \i'illi
, somcday gct thcchancc to be on:
, .CilmpllS'. . ’ ‘

Now it comes to you in a great light beer too . . ..

804i-i4th Avenue .,. Apptisj Ohly.
New Michelob Light ' " '

'Griri ell.l w ' ‘ . 86-7005‘

 

