tom ioltnson and ice king

Farewell, My Integrity-J"

tLast time, privatecye Cecil Vutwix, in his own m7
imitable style, accomplished almost nothing. He did,
however, manage to escape death at the hands ot a Girl
Scout leader armed With an eel and set out in Search of
clues at the public market, the scene of his partner's
murder!

The whole scene, when he arrived, looked pretty typical:
garbage iestering in the gutter. drunks vomiting in the gut-
ters, sociologists dealing with the concept oi relating to the
gutters. Drawing a three by five snapshot oi Miles from his
belted white trench coat (He was pleased about the coat;
he'd lifted it from a guy named Spade at a detective’s con-
vention last spring in ‘Frisco ), he approached the nearest
proprietor, a sexless ltalian about four ieet high and wider
than the fruit stand he was presiding over,

“Say, buddy, you ever see this fellah before?" he asked

“Labor omnia vincit et keepa you goddamn hans orta da
tomatoes" was all the response he Could extract

He tried the next booth and found an emaciated and‘
greasy Portuguese fisherman who retained about 10% of
his teeth and would only lisp, “You want to know what hap-
pened to your partner, go teed the seals."

“The West Side Aquarium is a dreary, dismal kettle of
fish,” he thought as he walked past the crab caves and
stopped on at the entrance to the seal house to pick up a
bag of chopped fish to throw to the residents A few
minutes later found him standing in front of a large pool
with a tour (set high glass plate separating him irom the
water.

“Listen. when the guy you work with gets mashed into
spoon-sized nuggets, you just can't ignore it it doesn't mat-
ter if he was a Mormon You‘re expected to take some ace
tion.” l-le grinned sadistically and his eyes glazed over like
those of a rhinocerous in heat. “I know you did it, babe,
and rm sending you up the river But don't worry, when
you timsh a 20 year stint stamping license plates at Sing-
sing, I'll he waiting ior you, But first, how'd you like to
come over to my place and see my etchings?”

The seal tapped the glass with a flipper and barked for
more fish. Cecil Was getting bored and wished he had a
client he could Charge [or the damn sardines he'd had to
buy, not to mention cab fare to the aquarium. Just what
had that crazed Portuguese goon meant sending him to this
scaley hole, anyway?

Suddenly, he ielt a plotrthickening tap on his shoulder. He
wheeled about, reaching for the revolver he’d left at the ol-
lice in his haste. Fortunately, though, this was not another
eel-brandishing scout leader, but one at those stereotypical
detective fiction romantic interest types: cornsilk blonde
hair, vaguely Nordic racial leatures, eyes the washedout
aqua of a Greenland glacier; hell, you knowilhe sort ot
lace and tigure that has about the some chance ol passing
through an Elks Lodge meeting unnoticed as a magnet has
at passing untouched through a pile of metal shavings.
Suavely brushing the fish guts off his hands, he smiled in-
quisitively,

“Mr. Vutwix," she began, “i wonder it you can help
me?”

“Yes, MIS
the past.

October l9, W79

7" he replied as he had so many times in

“It's Laura, Laura HaddockrSwanson,”

Vutwix recognized the name; She was the daughter of the
biggest of the west coast fish magnates. Her father, Sir
Richard, Lord HaddockrSwanson, had started in the
business as impossibly far back as the Boer War, standing
in the California surf trapping grunion in his wife's nylon
stockings, and had gone on to build one of the world’s
largest and most powerful bullhead and mud shark ems
pires by selling byproducts to seal houses and hors
d‘oeuvres companies.

”Oh, yeah, the fish bits heiress." He glanced at the
greasy stains on his hands and realized it was folks like
him, who, 25 cents at a time, had paid for all her fur coats,
expensive private schooling, and ‘ tennis rackets.

“What can I do for you?" he inquired

“Well, you see,” she stammered, “l..,l'm so Confused I

“Listen. Vllien the guy you work
with gets mashed in two
spoon-sized nuggets, you inst

can’t ignore it. it doesn’t

matter if lie was '

a Mormon."

don't know whether to shit or wind my watch, My...my
father was found wrapped in a gill net, beached under the
Golden Gate Bridge at ebb tide, and now I‘m getting
threatening phone calls, and they‘ve said they'll dynamite
the seals if I go to the police. These seals are all the family .
I've got left; you've got to help me, Mr. Vutwix! 'l she ilung
herself against his chest and sobbed bitterly.

“All right, all right," he said hastily, “Just don't stain
the coat, huh?”

Laura smiled and began to dab at her tears With a hall-
dkerchiei,

“I knew I could count on you; you have such a kind face.
Are you a Pisces? Anyway, Daddy had hired that Mr. Voth
to do something for himil don‘t know whatiand then I
never saw either one or them again.”

Vutwix frowned. “It‘s not much to go on, but like I told
the seal, I'll give it my best shot. I work for $100 a day,
plus expenses. And id like to be reimbursed tor the sar-
dines, Need a lift home?"

 

